Am Sorry, I lied!

She looked at her friend for her approval and she was ecstatic when she received one. 'One final time', she thought as she looked into the mirror. She was happy with what she saw. She had little time for the preparations. It had been all sudden, thanks to 'him'. It all started a month back....

He called her and requested her if they could meet. He sounded different. No pleasantries. He was always soft spoken and reserved. But was never different. They have known each other for 10 years now. They met at her workplace when she first joined. Though he quit later, they kept in touch. He would message her over the years and they would meet if he was somewhere near her place. They remained friends over the years. But this was new. She guessed there must be something. She went to the place decided and there he was, waiting for her. He smiled and she smiled back. She settled down in her chair. No warm hugs, no pecks and no handshakes. It was always like this with him. She respected him for that. He looked as if he was contemplating something. She guessed something was disturbing him. She was about to ask him if everything was fine with him and all of a sudden, he asked her, 'Will you marry me?' For a second, she was sure she misheard him. She kept looking at him and he took out something from his pocket and looked at her and continued, 'I am not good with words. I am sure every girl would want to marry a man of her dreams and you never considered me anything except for a friend. And I want to be your friend forever. I want to be that friend with whom you wake up every morning and warm up to before you sleep. I want to be your friend until death does us apart. Will you marry me?'

She sat there in deep thought. From mumma's boys breaking her heart to the fiance's walking away at the 11th hour, she has seen it all. She long back concluded that love and marriage weren't meant for her and she had come to terms with it. She promised herself that there would never be any other man who would ever find a place in her heart. And now here he was, stirring a storm in her life, all with just 4 words, 'Will you marry me?' He tapped on her hand and she came back to reality. 'I', umm she was trying to find her voice. He leaned close towards her anxiously. 'I know you always considered me a good friend and nothing beyond. But we have been friends and in each others' lives for 10 years now. I think its only a step ahead of our friendship, sealing it with a ring and vows? He was right. Its been 10 years and they knew what was happening in each others' lives. They were 2 reserved people who kept to themselves and were in touch. He made the effort to keep in touch. 'I know life hasn't been a smooth ride for you. Neither has it been for me. All I am asking is let us give life another chance, this time together. And if I ever cause you pain, you can walk away and no question would be ever asked.' She knew him and wanted to genuinely give herself another chance. But the wounds from the past left her deep scars. She hesitated before she spoke. 'I am not sure what to say right now. But God forbid if this doesn't work, I don't want to lose my friend. And we have never seen each other beyond friends. Should we not be seeing each other before we take a decision?' He was now relaxed and said, ' Let's consider this our first date, then'. She smiled and he called the waiter. The waiter has beennwatching all this in silence and was curious if she would a yes or a no. He almost ran to the table, saw the ring in his hands and was a little disappointed. He took the order and left. They spoke for the next couple of hours and the when they finally were done and he called the waiter for the check. He saw the ring on her hand and  he never felt happier. The ring on her hand made him  happier than the tip he received. They left hand in hand and he never was so genuinely happy for someone.

What happened over the next month was magical. He met her everyday. They squeezed out time amid their tight schedules. They poured their hearts out. Well, she poured her fears out and he listened to her intently and always assured her. He poured out his dreams and she made a mental note of everything.

And when the big day came, she wore the dress that she always dreamt of. She was just about the pull down the veil and get ready to walk down the aisle. A small girl came and gave her a letter and said that the groom had asked her to give this and ran as fast as she came. She opened the letter and all that she could read was 'Am sorry'! Her heart skipped couple of beats and her knees gave away. Her world was falling. It seemed that the wounds of the past were laughing at her. She wanted to read the letter before the tears could blur her vision. But she couldnt. Her friend saw what just happened and took the letter from her. Few moments later, she gave her the letter and said, 'You should read this, I insisit.'

She found no point in reading any further. But if he thought she would crumble just after the first 2 words, then he was wrong. She wanted to be strong. She started reading, wioing away her tears. 'Am sorry. I lied. I lied being your friend. I lied for the past 10 years and I no more can. No at this moment. When I first saw you, I somehow knew that we had to be friends. That night, I dreamt of you. We were watching sunset together. I woke up surprised because by then, I didn't even know your name. I had just seen you earlier in the day. I tried knowing more about you but had little luck. And when you joined my team, 10 years later,  words are still less to describe my emotions. I made it a point to keep in touch but not cross the boundaries lest you despise me. Everytime I saw you with someone, I knew I had to give up my hope. But something held me back. Everytime I saw your heart broken, I wanted to ask you out, I held back myself for the fear of losing you. But when I was told that you were giving up on love, I knew I had to stand up. It was now or never. I couldn't stand to see a decade of love being thrown away without being given a chance. The last month was an amazing period of my life and I   don't want to trade it for anything in this world. I know I lied being your friend. You were my soulmate. The one who kept my heart with her for the past 10 years. Now, I want to take your hand into mine and promise you that I shall be your friend in true sense. I want to be your warmth in the winters and your cool breeze during hard summers. And when you walk the aisle, I will be waiting for you at the altar to promise that no matter what happens, I'll be your friend. Can't wait to seal it with a kiss.' She finished reading the letter and looked at her friend through her teary eyes. She knew that was the last time she would have to ever worry about her decision.

She pulled down her veil and walked towards her father who was waiting to walk her the aisle.....

How do I become mentally strong?

When you realise that you don't want to die as a loser no matter what, you have already become strong mentally. But now how do you come to that conclusion? Let me explain how I decided to do it…

A year and a half ago, I drafted my resignation mail and I could feel my heart sinking. Now, that was neither my first job nor my first resignation mail. I always quit my job before even having an offer in hand and this time too it was nothing different, except for the fact that this particular job opened up a variety of opportunities for network and growth. I knew I would not stay unemployed for too long. And how wrong was I!

I rang up a lady who used to be my client and asked for a reference. I worked at odd times for her cos she had to submit her work and I obliged. She owed me one. Didn’t she? She picked up the call in the very first instance, told me how she would miss working with me and the moment I told her I would need her reference for a particular company, she said that she knew the Director there, spoke to him just couple of days back but ‘unfortunately’ misplaced all her contacts. She needed a week’s time to get his no# and nothing from her even after a couple of attempts. It hurt. It was a moment of sour grapes for me. I was the fox who decided that the grapes were sour because I couldn’t reach them. I was still strong and I was still in the first fortnight of unemployment.

I knocked LinkedIn’s door. People would greedily accept my connection request to boast about the strength of their network but would never respond to my requests for referring me to the opportunities in their companies. The very few who responded wanted to know if I was on WhatsApp and could be friends. Hell, No! I refused. Politely first but when I lost my patience, I turned aggressive and gave them my piece of mind. It hurt. But I was still strong. I was just into months of being unemployed. I still have a future.

Months started flying by and Rejection emails started pouring in. Birthday came, I checked my wallet if I had any cash on me. I had nothing. Whom was I kidding? I cried uncontrollably. I remembered how I celebrated my birthdays before. But I wiped my tears comforting myself that I can't be crying because am strong. The mirror laughed at me. But I wouldn’t just give up.

I started applying left, right and centre in every part of the world. Once I even applied as a Customer Service Representative for a Nike Showroom in France. Gave a couple of interviews. Nothing came through. But the HRs’ and the Managers were demeaning. They wouldn’t even bother to go through my CV but would decide I didn’t fit their bill. I was hurt. I wrote emails to the Founders how their HRs treated me and tagged them in LinkedIn. I was still strong ( I thought so). I cried the whole day. I started to crumble inside. I have started feeling the cracks. But No! How can I become weak? I put myself to sleep deciding that I am still strong.

I was still applying for jobs and was being rejected for the silliest of the reasons. One instance wherein I failed to recognise the HR during my 2nd round of interview and another time because the lady thought that ‘My dream of penning a book someday’ didn’t strike a chord with her brain. I can go on and on. But I only became stubborn and decided never to apply for their companies ever. It started hurting. My head started spinning more often now. Irish coffee stopped helping. Money in my wallet was a rare sight.

2 months back, I lived through the First Anniversary of my unemployment. I wanted any heavy vehicle to knock me down to death. Bu No! The drivers unanimously decided that they would drive safe. I wouldn’t give up. I walked in the middle of the road recklessly but the drivers decided to wait until the signal turned green. My bad! I cried more often now. Felt depressed every second. But wait! Wasn’t I strong still? A sound in the head started mocking! No girl! You aren’t strong anymore. Time to see a shrink. But I wouldn't.

Called upon God. Sometimes I plead, sometimes I debated. Sometimes I reminded him that I was His child and He can’t ignore me. I tried blackmailing Him that if He doesn’t help me out, I would die and my grave wouldn’t praise Him. But God would have nothing of my tantrums. He is yet to respond. I was angry now. Really angry. Stopped praying. Stopped reaching out to Him.

The family didn’t really know how to handle me. I started getting suicidal and started imagining hurting myself to overcome the emotional pain that I was going through. If I ever read a death news in the NewsPaper, I wondered why wasn’t that person me. When someone got a job, I looked unto the Heavens screaming ‘When is my turn’?

All through this, I was sure of one thing. I didn’t want to die as a loser. That was the only thing that kept me alive and still does. The levels of intensity of strength that I had dropped down during this Year and a half. I am no more the strong girl that I had once been. I sleep every night with a hope of a better day the next morning and the next day is bitter than the previous one. Life goes on and so does my disappointment. I am misfortune’s favourite child.

So how do I become mentally strong?

By promising myself that I would never let myself down. Never give up on me. I would never stop breathing however my lungs want to cry out instead of breathing. I might be an emotional wreck but I shall be strong enough to reply to all the HR questions for any job prospects. I might be still mocked at or made fun of by my own. But I shall live as if it was just a bad dream. I would rather fool myself like this rather than wasting my life suffering through the pain. And amidst all this, never giving up cos that's not an option that I can afford.

So how can you become mentally strong?

Knock the doors of your emotional intelligence. You never know how strong you are until you give it a chance. No Man(women) is weak mentally. It is unleashed when you go through tough moments. If you have to open up and talk it out, talk to a mirror and let the tears flow down. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to let tears flow down and not to wipe them off. Unfortunately or fortunately there is no Rulebook as of how you can become strong. The Ten Commandments also don't say- ‘ Though shall not be mentally weak’. So, it's OK to be mentally down at times. Its always going to be a trial and error process. You come up with a plan, try it. If it makes you stronger, you made it. If not, you have another chance. And you try another way. Write your own rules and come up with your own theories of becoming strong. One day maybe you can answer this question to someone who wants to know how to become mentally strong.

How to handle failures?

Unfortunately, life is unpredictable and so are failures. Sometimes it's your fault and at times it isn't.

I received a call from an HR of a reputed company. I was recovering from Typhoid and told her that I can’t make it on the scheduled date. She mailed me nevertheless asking me to confirm my presence for the interview. I politely replied to her reminding my inability to attend the interview given my physical condition. A few days later, another HR called me up and asked if I could attend the interview the next day. I confirmed that I would attend the interview next day and she sent me a mail asking me to confirm my attendance. I replied in positive and rang her up personally to request her to share the Job Description of the position. She gave me a rough idea of what the position was all about and she reiterated the fact that this has got no particular functional skills and it is a client facing role which means I should have good communication skills. I had nothing really to prepare for the interview. I went through the company details and was all set to go. Having had few bad experiences with interviews in the past, I didn’t pin hopes on this one. At least, I thought so! Boy! Whom was I kidding? I knew I had this job. I went to the avenue 30 mins prior and sat there. I was called in and the Manager asked me for my CV and wanted to know about me from myself the “traditional way”. Hardly 5 mins into the conversation, he turned my CV upside down, relaxed his shoulders and asked me a question that caught me off guard.

Manager: ”What do your friends think of you, Priyanka?”

I wanted to confirm what I heard and he repeated the question. I never gave my friends a feedback form to fill it up for me. But I knew that they all unanimously thought I was strong. I told him the same.

Then comes the next question-

“How do you define your life in one sentence”?

This time I was spontaneous- “I live a life that doesn’t allow me to die as a loser”.

Manager: So you are a fighter?

Me: Yes, if that what takes me to survive in this world, I said.

Now comes the important part of the conversation.

Manager: “Your profile is strong and I see that your communication is your strength and you surely possess leadership skills. But am afraid you don’t have the functional skills”.

Me: Wait. What? Do you have a functional skill required for this job?

Manager: Yes. And am afraid we are looking for someone who has those skills readily available to put to use.

Me: I understand.

Manager: It was nice talking to you.

Me: Pleasure is all mine. If you don’t mind, I have a question for you.

Manager: Sure, go ahead.

Me: Have you gone through the Job Description that is being circulated for this position?

Manager: I am sure, I did.

Me: I want you to have a look at it from my mobile and then let me know what are the functional skills that have been mentioned that I don’t possess.

I could see the blood draining from his face. “Fighter, you are!” He said.

He assured me that he would talk to his team. I walked away after forced pleasantries. I had to force myself into a cab before I could break down into tears. All through the way home, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I failed to get a job because of someone’s failure at their job. And I was at the receiving end. While I write this, I still wipe away the tears so that I can see my screen clearly and do not commit errors while writing.

So if you look at this, for me it was a heartbreaking failure. How did I handle it? I cried my lungs out and am still crying my heart out. Does this solve the problem? No! Then what do I do? Accept the reality. The reality being I ended up with a failure for someone else’s mistake. What did I learn out of this? Nothing. Nothing? you may ask. I repeat, Nothing. What would I have to learn from someone else’s mess?

But I know I learnt a way to handle this one and maybe you can handle yours too if we:

* “ Stop thinking about it after this post and move on. No point in thinking about it and breaking one’s head. Whatever has happened is irreversible(until the Manager decides to give me a chance and calls me up; God willing that happens, I shall post it here). We can neither go back in time nor change the way things unfolded. Then why cry over already spilt milk while you have another glass with you?

*Neither let the world nor you judge you by the “Failure yard”. Instead, try the “Attempt yard”. Gives you a whole different perspective.

*Don’t let failure hurt your self-esteem. Your success or failure should not be the yardstick of your self-esteem and your identity.

Just remember that if you fail, you better rise and raise the bar!

Peace on!!!