How do I become mentally strong?

When you realise that you don't want to die as a loser no matter what, you have already become strong mentally. But now how do you come to that conclusion? Let me explain how I decided to do it…

A year and a half ago, I drafted my resignation mail and I could feel my heart sinking. Now, that was neither my first job nor my first resignation mail. I always quit my job before even having an offer in hand and this time too it was nothing different, except for the fact that this particular job opened up a variety of opportunities for network and growth. I knew I would not stay unemployed for too long. And how wrong was I!

I rang up a lady who used to be my client and asked for a reference. I worked at odd times for her cos she had to submit her work and I obliged. She owed me one. Didn’t she? She picked up the call in the very first instance, told me how she would miss working with me and the moment I told her I would need her reference for a particular company, she said that she knew the Director there, spoke to him just couple of days back but ‘unfortunately’ misplaced all her contacts. She needed a week’s time to get his no# and nothing from her even after a couple of attempts. It hurt. It was a moment of sour grapes for me. I was the fox who decided that the grapes were sour because I couldn’t reach them. I was still strong and I was still in the first fortnight of unemployment.

I knocked LinkedIn’s door. People would greedily accept my connection request to boast about the strength of their network but would never respond to my requests for referring me to the opportunities in their companies. The very few who responded wanted to know if I was on WhatsApp and could be friends. Hell, No! I refused. Politely first but when I lost my patience, I turned aggressive and gave them my piece of mind. It hurt. But I was still strong. I was just into months of being unemployed. I still have a future.

Months started flying by and Rejection emails started pouring in. Birthday came, I checked my wallet if I had any cash on me. I had nothing. Whom was I kidding? I cried uncontrollably. I remembered how I celebrated my birthdays before. But I wiped my tears comforting myself that I can't be crying because am strong. The mirror laughed at me. But I wouldn’t just give up.

I started applying left, right and centre in every part of the world. Once I even applied as a Customer Service Representative for a Nike Showroom in France. Gave a couple of interviews. Nothing came through. But the HRs’ and the Managers were demeaning. They wouldn’t even bother to go through my CV but would decide I didn’t fit their bill. I was hurt. I wrote emails to the Founders how their HRs treated me and tagged them in LinkedIn. I was still strong ( I thought so). I cried the whole day. I started to crumble inside. I have started feeling the cracks. But No! How can I become weak? I put myself to sleep deciding that I am still strong.

I was still applying for jobs and was being rejected for the silliest of the reasons. One instance wherein I failed to recognise the HR during my 2nd round of interview and another time because the lady thought that ‘My dream of penning a book someday’ didn’t strike a chord with her brain. I can go on and on. But I only became stubborn and decided never to apply for their companies ever. It started hurting. My head started spinning more often now. Irish coffee stopped helping. Money in my wallet was a rare sight.

2 months back, I lived through the First Anniversary of my unemployment. I wanted any heavy vehicle to knock me down to death. Bu No! The drivers unanimously decided that they would drive safe. I wouldn’t give up. I walked in the middle of the road recklessly but the drivers decided to wait until the signal turned green. My bad! I cried more often now. Felt depressed every second. But wait! Wasn’t I strong still? A sound in the head started mocking! No girl! You aren’t strong anymore. Time to see a shrink. But I wouldn't.

Called upon God. Sometimes I plead, sometimes I debated. Sometimes I reminded him that I was His child and He can’t ignore me. I tried blackmailing Him that if He doesn’t help me out, I would die and my grave wouldn’t praise Him. But God would have nothing of my tantrums. He is yet to respond. I was angry now. Really angry. Stopped praying. Stopped reaching out to Him.

The family didn’t really know how to handle me. I started getting suicidal and started imagining hurting myself to overcome the emotional pain that I was going through. If I ever read a death news in the NewsPaper, I wondered why wasn’t that person me. When someone got a job, I looked unto the Heavens screaming ‘When is my turn’?

All through this, I was sure of one thing. I didn’t want to die as a loser. That was the only thing that kept me alive and still does. The levels of intensity of strength that I had dropped down during this Year and a half. I am no more the strong girl that I had once been. I sleep every night with a hope of a better day the next morning and the next day is bitter than the previous one. Life goes on and so does my disappointment. I am misfortune’s favourite child.

So how do I become mentally strong?

By promising myself that I would never let myself down. Never give up on me. I would never stop breathing however my lungs want to cry out instead of breathing. I might be an emotional wreck but I shall be strong enough to reply to all the HR questions for any job prospects. I might be still mocked at or made fun of by my own. But I shall live as if it was just a bad dream. I would rather fool myself like this rather than wasting my life suffering through the pain. And amidst all this, never giving up cos that's not an option that I can afford.

So how can you become mentally strong?

Knock the doors of your emotional intelligence. You never know how strong you are until you give it a chance. No Man(women) is weak mentally. It is unleashed when you go through tough moments. If you have to open up and talk it out, talk to a mirror and let the tears flow down. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to let tears flow down and not to wipe them off. Unfortunately or fortunately there is no Rulebook as of how you can become strong. The Ten Commandments also don't say- ‘ Though shall not be mentally weak’. So, it's OK to be mentally down at times. Its always going to be a trial and error process. You come up with a plan, try it. If it makes you stronger, you made it. If not, you have another chance. And you try another way. Write your own rules and come up with your own theories of becoming strong. One day maybe you can answer this question to someone who wants to know how to become mentally strong.

How to handle failures?

Unfortunately, life is unpredictable and so are failures. Sometimes it's your fault and at times it isn't.

I received a call from an HR of a reputed company. I was recovering from Typhoid and told her that I can’t make it on the scheduled date. She mailed me nevertheless asking me to confirm my presence for the interview. I politely replied to her reminding my inability to attend the interview given my physical condition. A few days later, another HR called me up and asked if I could attend the interview the next day. I confirmed that I would attend the interview next day and she sent me a mail asking me to confirm my attendance. I replied in positive and rang her up personally to request her to share the Job Description of the position. She gave me a rough idea of what the position was all about and she reiterated the fact that this has got no particular functional skills and it is a client facing role which means I should have good communication skills. I had nothing really to prepare for the interview. I went through the company details and was all set to go. Having had few bad experiences with interviews in the past, I didn’t pin hopes on this one. At least, I thought so! Boy! Whom was I kidding? I knew I had this job. I went to the avenue 30 mins prior and sat there. I was called in and the Manager asked me for my CV and wanted to know about me from myself the “traditional way”. Hardly 5 mins into the conversation, he turned my CV upside down, relaxed his shoulders and asked me a question that caught me off guard.

Manager: ”What do your friends think of you, Priyanka?”

I wanted to confirm what I heard and he repeated the question. I never gave my friends a feedback form to fill it up for me. But I knew that they all unanimously thought I was strong. I told him the same.

Then comes the next question-

“How do you define your life in one sentence”?

This time I was spontaneous- “I live a life that doesn’t allow me to die as a loser”.

Manager: So you are a fighter?

Me: Yes, if that what takes me to survive in this world, I said.

Now comes the important part of the conversation.

Manager: “Your profile is strong and I see that your communication is your strength and you surely possess leadership skills. But am afraid you don’t have the functional skills”.

Me: Wait. What? Do you have a functional skill required for this job?

Manager: Yes. And am afraid we are looking for someone who has those skills readily available to put to use.

Me: I understand.

Manager: It was nice talking to you.

Me: Pleasure is all mine. If you don’t mind, I have a question for you.

Manager: Sure, go ahead.

Me: Have you gone through the Job Description that is being circulated for this position?

Manager: I am sure, I did.

Me: I want you to have a look at it from my mobile and then let me know what are the functional skills that have been mentioned that I don’t possess.

I could see the blood draining from his face. “Fighter, you are!” He said.

He assured me that he would talk to his team. I walked away after forced pleasantries. I had to force myself into a cab before I could break down into tears. All through the way home, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I failed to get a job because of someone’s failure at their job. And I was at the receiving end. While I write this, I still wipe away the tears so that I can see my screen clearly and do not commit errors while writing.

So if you look at this, for me it was a heartbreaking failure. How did I handle it? I cried my lungs out and am still crying my heart out. Does this solve the problem? No! Then what do I do? Accept the reality. The reality being I ended up with a failure for someone else’s mistake. What did I learn out of this? Nothing. Nothing? you may ask. I repeat, Nothing. What would I have to learn from someone else’s mess?

But I know I learnt a way to handle this one and maybe you can handle yours too if we:

* “ Stop thinking about it after this post and move on. No point in thinking about it and breaking one’s head. Whatever has happened is irreversible(until the Manager decides to give me a chance and calls me up; God willing that happens, I shall post it here). We can neither go back in time nor change the way things unfolded. Then why cry over already spilt milk while you have another glass with you?

*Neither let the world nor you judge you by the “Failure yard”. Instead, try the “Attempt yard”. Gives you a whole different perspective.

*Don’t let failure hurt your self-esteem. Your success or failure should not be the yardstick of your self-esteem and your identity.

Just remember that if you fail, you better rise and raise the bar!

Peace on!!!