Thick skin towards Rejection!

You might not like what I write but why should you get used to Rejection? Getting used to means getting comfortable with something that is not your typical behavior. Well, if you ask me, I would say, never ever get used to Rejection. Treat it as a luxury that you cannot afford.

I faced my first rejection at the age of 24. I had everything served on my wish plate until then. I wanted to do my Masters in Sports Physiotherapy. Now that field was even rarely selected by boys and here I was, pouring another wish of Sports Physiotherapy, abroad to my parents. I was the eldest daughter, the darling of even my maid and they would by no means approve my plans. I cried, revolted, begged, fasted until hungry, but nothing would change my parents' mind. While my other friends were planning studies abroad, I was sulking and slowly started working. By the time they flew abroad, I had a stable job as a Physiotherapist. Me-1, Rejection-0.

I wanted to shift professional sector and started applying for jobs in MNC. I was rejected by a Top Company and them out of their generosity offered to train me and hire me based on my improvement. So they rejected to hire me right away. I was beyond mad. I took it upon me to get into the company. Months later, among 100s of candidates who applied for a job in that company that day, I was the first among 3 to walk away with an offer letter with a package that blew my mind. If I got used to the Rejection, I would have been as a Physiotherapist and not where I am today. Me-2, Rejection-0.

I wanted to settle down emotionally and thought the guy who proposed me was a good match. Until he decided someone else was good for him. You can read that here. How did your ex made you a better person? If I only sulked and remained depressed, I wouldn’t have been where I am today in my life. Me-3, Rejection-0.

I was doing well in my career and all of a sudden a colleague tries his hands at harassing me. I was advised to take it in my stride and my request to look into the issue was rejected by the Management. I took the matter in my own hands and ensured that the guy wets his pants every time he thinks of me. You can read that here. When was a time you had submit your resignation in style? If I chose to remain silent in spite of the injustice done to me, I wouldn't have been the strong woman that I am today. Me-4, Rejection-0.

So you never succumb to rejections and feel its ok to get accustomed to rejection. No, it is not! Standing tall every time you are falling down is what you ought to do! 

Am Sorry, I lied!

She looked at her friend for her approval and she was ecstatic when she received one. 'One final time', she thought as she looked into the mirror. She was happy with what she saw. She had little time for the preparations. It had been all sudden, thanks to 'him'. It all started a month back....

He called her and requested her if they could meet. He sounded different. No pleasantries. He was always soft spoken and reserved. But was never different. They have known each other for 10 years now. They met at her workplace when she first joined. Though he quit later, they kept in touch. He would message her over the years and they would meet if he was somewhere near her place. They remained friends over the years. But this was new. She guessed there must be something. She went to the place decided and there he was, waiting for her. He smiled and she smiled back. She settled down in her chair. No warm hugs, no pecks and no handshakes. It was always like this with him. She respected him for that. He looked as if he was contemplating something. She guessed something was disturbing him. She was about to ask him if everything was fine with him and all of a sudden, he asked her, 'Will you marry me?' For a second, she was sure she misheard him. She kept looking at him and he took out something from his pocket and looked at her and continued, 'I am not good with words. I am sure every girl would want to marry a man of her dreams and you never considered me anything except for a friend. And I want to be your friend forever. I want to be that friend with whom you wake up every morning and warm up to before you sleep. I want to be your friend until death does us apart. Will you marry me?'

She sat there in deep thought. From mumma's boys breaking her heart to the fiance's walking away at the 11th hour, she has seen it all. She long back concluded that love and marriage weren't meant for her and she had come to terms with it. She promised herself that there would never be any other man who would ever find a place in her heart. And now here he was, stirring a storm in her life, all with just 4 words, 'Will you marry me?' He tapped on her hand and she came back to reality. 'I', umm she was trying to find her voice. He leaned close towards her anxiously. 'I know you always considered me a good friend and nothing beyond. But we have been friends and in each others' lives for 10 years now. I think its only a step ahead of our friendship, sealing it with a ring and vows? He was right. Its been 10 years and they knew what was happening in each others' lives. They were 2 reserved people who kept to themselves and were in touch. He made the effort to keep in touch. 'I know life hasn't been a smooth ride for you. Neither has it been for me. All I am asking is let us give life another chance, this time together. And if I ever cause you pain, you can walk away and no question would be ever asked.' She knew him and wanted to genuinely give herself another chance. But the wounds from the past left her deep scars. She hesitated before she spoke. 'I am not sure what to say right now. But God forbid if this doesn't work, I don't want to lose my friend. And we have never seen each other beyond friends. Should we not be seeing each other before we take a decision?' He was now relaxed and said, ' Let's consider this our first date, then'. She smiled and he called the waiter. The waiter has beennwatching all this in silence and was curious if she would a yes or a no. He almost ran to the table, saw the ring in his hands and was a little disappointed. He took the order and left. They spoke for the next couple of hours and the when they finally were done and he called the waiter for the check. He saw the ring on her hand and  he never felt happier. The ring on her hand made him  happier than the tip he received. They left hand in hand and he never was so genuinely happy for someone.

What happened over the next month was magical. He met her everyday. They squeezed out time amid their tight schedules. They poured their hearts out. Well, she poured her fears out and he listened to her intently and always assured her. He poured out his dreams and she made a mental note of everything.

And when the big day came, she wore the dress that she always dreamt of. She was just about the pull down the veil and get ready to walk down the aisle. A small girl came and gave her a letter and said that the groom had asked her to give this and ran as fast as she came. She opened the letter and all that she could read was 'Am sorry'! Her heart skipped couple of beats and her knees gave away. Her world was falling. It seemed that the wounds of the past were laughing at her. She wanted to read the letter before the tears could blur her vision. But she couldnt. Her friend saw what just happened and took the letter from her. Few moments later, she gave her the letter and said, 'You should read this, I insisit.'

She found no point in reading any further. But if he thought she would crumble just after the first 2 words, then he was wrong. She wanted to be strong. She started reading, wioing away her tears. 'Am sorry. I lied. I lied being your friend. I lied for the past 10 years and I no more can. No at this moment. When I first saw you, I somehow knew that we had to be friends. That night, I dreamt of you. We were watching sunset together. I woke up surprised because by then, I didn't even know your name. I had just seen you earlier in the day. I tried knowing more about you but had little luck. And when you joined my team, 10 years later,  words are still less to describe my emotions. I made it a point to keep in touch but not cross the boundaries lest you despise me. Everytime I saw you with someone, I knew I had to give up my hope. But something held me back. Everytime I saw your heart broken, I wanted to ask you out, I held back myself for the fear of losing you. But when I was told that you were giving up on love, I knew I had to stand up. It was now or never. I couldn't stand to see a decade of love being thrown away without being given a chance. The last month was an amazing period of my life and I   don't want to trade it for anything in this world. I know I lied being your friend. You were my soulmate. The one who kept my heart with her for the past 10 years. Now, I want to take your hand into mine and promise you that I shall be your friend in true sense. I want to be your warmth in the winters and your cool breeze during hard summers. And when you walk the aisle, I will be waiting for you at the altar to promise that no matter what happens, I'll be your friend. Can't wait to seal it with a kiss.' She finished reading the letter and looked at her friend through her teary eyes. She knew that was the last time she would have to ever worry about her decision.

She pulled down her veil and walked towards her father who was waiting to walk her the aisle.....

How do I become mentally strong?

When you realise that you don't want to die as a loser no matter what, you have already become strong mentally. But now how do you come to that conclusion? Let me explain how I decided to do it…

A year and a half ago, I drafted my resignation mail and I could feel my heart sinking. Now, that was neither my first job nor my first resignation mail. I always quit my job before even having an offer in hand and this time too it was nothing different, except for the fact that this particular job opened up a variety of opportunities for network and growth. I knew I would not stay unemployed for too long. And how wrong was I!

I rang up a lady who used to be my client and asked for a reference. I worked at odd times for her cos she had to submit her work and I obliged. She owed me one. Didn’t she? She picked up the call in the very first instance, told me how she would miss working with me and the moment I told her I would need her reference for a particular company, she said that she knew the Director there, spoke to him just couple of days back but ‘unfortunately’ misplaced all her contacts. She needed a week’s time to get his no# and nothing from her even after a couple of attempts. It hurt. It was a moment of sour grapes for me. I was the fox who decided that the grapes were sour because I couldn’t reach them. I was still strong and I was still in the first fortnight of unemployment.

I knocked LinkedIn’s door. People would greedily accept my connection request to boast about the strength of their network but would never respond to my requests for referring me to the opportunities in their companies. The very few who responded wanted to know if I was on WhatsApp and could be friends. Hell, No! I refused. Politely first but when I lost my patience, I turned aggressive and gave them my piece of mind. It hurt. But I was still strong. I was just into months of being unemployed. I still have a future.

Months started flying by and Rejection emails started pouring in. Birthday came, I checked my wallet if I had any cash on me. I had nothing. Whom was I kidding? I cried uncontrollably. I remembered how I celebrated my birthdays before. But I wiped my tears comforting myself that I can't be crying because am strong. The mirror laughed at me. But I wouldn’t just give up.

I started applying left, right and centre in every part of the world. Once I even applied as a Customer Service Representative for a Nike Showroom in France. Gave a couple of interviews. Nothing came through. But the HRs’ and the Managers were demeaning. They wouldn’t even bother to go through my CV but would decide I didn’t fit their bill. I was hurt. I wrote emails to the Founders how their HRs treated me and tagged them in LinkedIn. I was still strong ( I thought so). I cried the whole day. I started to crumble inside. I have started feeling the cracks. But No! How can I become weak? I put myself to sleep deciding that I am still strong.

I was still applying for jobs and was being rejected for the silliest of the reasons. One instance wherein I failed to recognise the HR during my 2nd round of interview and another time because the lady thought that ‘My dream of penning a book someday’ didn’t strike a chord with her brain. I can go on and on. But I only became stubborn and decided never to apply for their companies ever. It started hurting. My head started spinning more often now. Irish coffee stopped helping. Money in my wallet was a rare sight.

2 months back, I lived through the First Anniversary of my unemployment. I wanted any heavy vehicle to knock me down to death. Bu No! The drivers unanimously decided that they would drive safe. I wouldn’t give up. I walked in the middle of the road recklessly but the drivers decided to wait until the signal turned green. My bad! I cried more often now. Felt depressed every second. But wait! Wasn’t I strong still? A sound in the head started mocking! No girl! You aren’t strong anymore. Time to see a shrink. But I wouldn't.

Called upon God. Sometimes I plead, sometimes I debated. Sometimes I reminded him that I was His child and He can’t ignore me. I tried blackmailing Him that if He doesn’t help me out, I would die and my grave wouldn’t praise Him. But God would have nothing of my tantrums. He is yet to respond. I was angry now. Really angry. Stopped praying. Stopped reaching out to Him.

The family didn’t really know how to handle me. I started getting suicidal and started imagining hurting myself to overcome the emotional pain that I was going through. If I ever read a death news in the NewsPaper, I wondered why wasn’t that person me. When someone got a job, I looked unto the Heavens screaming ‘When is my turn’?

All through this, I was sure of one thing. I didn’t want to die as a loser. That was the only thing that kept me alive and still does. The levels of intensity of strength that I had dropped down during this Year and a half. I am no more the strong girl that I had once been. I sleep every night with a hope of a better day the next morning and the next day is bitter than the previous one. Life goes on and so does my disappointment. I am misfortune’s favourite child.

So how do I become mentally strong?

By promising myself that I would never let myself down. Never give up on me. I would never stop breathing however my lungs want to cry out instead of breathing. I might be an emotional wreck but I shall be strong enough to reply to all the HR questions for any job prospects. I might be still mocked at or made fun of by my own. But I shall live as if it was just a bad dream. I would rather fool myself like this rather than wasting my life suffering through the pain. And amidst all this, never giving up cos that's not an option that I can afford.

So how can you become mentally strong?

Knock the doors of your emotional intelligence. You never know how strong you are until you give it a chance. No Man(women) is weak mentally. It is unleashed when you go through tough moments. If you have to open up and talk it out, talk to a mirror and let the tears flow down. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to let tears flow down and not to wipe them off. Unfortunately or fortunately there is no Rulebook as of how you can become strong. The Ten Commandments also don't say- ‘ Though shall not be mentally weak’. So, it's OK to be mentally down at times. Its always going to be a trial and error process. You come up with a plan, try it. If it makes you stronger, you made it. If not, you have another chance. And you try another way. Write your own rules and come up with your own theories of becoming strong. One day maybe you can answer this question to someone who wants to know how to become mentally strong.

How to handle failures?

Unfortunately, life is unpredictable and so are failures. Sometimes it's your fault and at times it isn't.

I received a call from an HR of a reputed company. I was recovering from Typhoid and told her that I can’t make it on the scheduled date. She mailed me nevertheless asking me to confirm my presence for the interview. I politely replied to her reminding my inability to attend the interview given my physical condition. A few days later, another HR called me up and asked if I could attend the interview the next day. I confirmed that I would attend the interview next day and she sent me a mail asking me to confirm my attendance. I replied in positive and rang her up personally to request her to share the Job Description of the position. She gave me a rough idea of what the position was all about and she reiterated the fact that this has got no particular functional skills and it is a client facing role which means I should have good communication skills. I had nothing really to prepare for the interview. I went through the company details and was all set to go. Having had few bad experiences with interviews in the past, I didn’t pin hopes on this one. At least, I thought so! Boy! Whom was I kidding? I knew I had this job. I went to the avenue 30 mins prior and sat there. I was called in and the Manager asked me for my CV and wanted to know about me from myself the “traditional way”. Hardly 5 mins into the conversation, he turned my CV upside down, relaxed his shoulders and asked me a question that caught me off guard.

Manager: ”What do your friends think of you, Priyanka?”

I wanted to confirm what I heard and he repeated the question. I never gave my friends a feedback form to fill it up for me. But I knew that they all unanimously thought I was strong. I told him the same.

Then comes the next question-

“How do you define your life in one sentence”?

This time I was spontaneous- “I live a life that doesn’t allow me to die as a loser”.

Manager: So you are a fighter?

Me: Yes, if that what takes me to survive in this world, I said.

Now comes the important part of the conversation.

Manager: “Your profile is strong and I see that your communication is your strength and you surely possess leadership skills. But am afraid you don’t have the functional skills”.

Me: Wait. What? Do you have a functional skill required for this job?

Manager: Yes. And am afraid we are looking for someone who has those skills readily available to put to use.

Me: I understand.

Manager: It was nice talking to you.

Me: Pleasure is all mine. If you don’t mind, I have a question for you.

Manager: Sure, go ahead.

Me: Have you gone through the Job Description that is being circulated for this position?

Manager: I am sure, I did.

Me: I want you to have a look at it from my mobile and then let me know what are the functional skills that have been mentioned that I don’t possess.

I could see the blood draining from his face. “Fighter, you are!” He said.

He assured me that he would talk to his team. I walked away after forced pleasantries. I had to force myself into a cab before I could break down into tears. All through the way home, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I failed to get a job because of someone’s failure at their job. And I was at the receiving end. While I write this, I still wipe away the tears so that I can see my screen clearly and do not commit errors while writing.

So if you look at this, for me it was a heartbreaking failure. How did I handle it? I cried my lungs out and am still crying my heart out. Does this solve the problem? No! Then what do I do? Accept the reality. The reality being I ended up with a failure for someone else’s mistake. What did I learn out of this? Nothing. Nothing? you may ask. I repeat, Nothing. What would I have to learn from someone else’s mess?

But I know I learnt a way to handle this one and maybe you can handle yours too if we:

* “ Stop thinking about it after this post and move on. No point in thinking about it and breaking one’s head. Whatever has happened is irreversible(until the Manager decides to give me a chance and calls me up; God willing that happens, I shall post it here). We can neither go back in time nor change the way things unfolded. Then why cry over already spilt milk while you have another glass with you?

*Neither let the world nor you judge you by the “Failure yard”. Instead, try the “Attempt yard”. Gives you a whole different perspective.

*Don’t let failure hurt your self-esteem. Your success or failure should not be the yardstick of your self-esteem and your identity.

Just remember that if you fail, you better rise and raise the bar!

Peace on!!!

When life seems to be like travelling in a never ending dark tunnel, just look around.

         

               I just finished my college and found this job.This incident happened when I was working for a Multi National Company and was working at nights. The company has provided us transport and we would drop the other employees on the way. I stayed pretty far and would ideally be the last one to reach home. That was Christmas season and the city was blooming with joy and decoration. A female employee had to be dropped at her place and her house was inside a lane through which the cab couldn't pass by. The security guard offered to drop her at her place while the rest of us waited in the cab at the end of the street. It was pretty cold and I covered myself warm enough and was looking through the car window. A thin and frail woman was standing by the side of the road may be for alms. She cut a very sad figure. She must have been starving for couple of days for now. Before I could reach out to her to help her, I saw a cop on a 2 wheeler stopping by a fruits stall to pick up few fruits. The lady still shivering, and out of desperate hunger walked up to the cop for alms. The cop looked at her frail figure, spoke to her for few minutes and demanded that she get on at the back of his bike. The lady's expression is still afresh in my memories. Without a word, she sat on the bike and the cop rode off with an expression that was easily understood. He did not buy the fruits. Obviously, he was no more hungry for the fruits from the stall. He found something that would satiate his hunger. "Speechless" is a small word to express my state of mind.

            Years later, while I write this in the comfort of an air-conditioned room, I often think of that night and that helpless woman. I can't help but think of the exploitation that happened that night. As a young woman who started her career, it was an experience that taught me how to enjoy life given freedom and opportunities to enrich my inner self. That was the last time I ever hated my life and its problems. If my life was like a journey in a never-ending tunnel, the woman's trade for hunger showed me how fortunate I have been to live everyday on my own terms and not on anyone's demands. By no means am I demeaning her choice and its none of my business what must have happened that night after she rode pillion on the cop's bike.

           When life seems to be like travelling in a never-ending dark tunnel, just look around. You will see people frail than you and experiences difficult than yours'. Instead of whining, maybe you can be grateful for the necessities at your disposal which might be luxuries for the other person.
       
                

Stop being Inspired...Start Inspiring!!!

                                                 

                                                   Sounds rather strange right? Everyone of us look for something or somebody to inspire us in our daily life. For few if it is Famous personalities, for few its nature. For few if its pain that draws inspiration, for few its art. Man has come a long way in the field of Technology but is still stuck in the stone age days when it comes to emotional success. We all look for something magical or divine to drive us. We need Abraham Lincoln to tell us that slavery was bad. We need Serena Williams to teach us how to never give up no matter its health or racial discrimination. Back home we need Leander Paes to teach us that age is just a number. If the whole world is at our disposal to teach us how to be inspired, when do we get a chance to inspire?

                                                   I prefer to be an inspiration rather than being influenced or impressed by  someone who is already successful. When I carve my own path I would like to admire its landscape. While in my previous 2 posts I mentioned how I mended my heart when it was hurt, in this post I am going to write how I stopped looking for an inspiration when my ship was sinking and I became an inspiration. The reason I have been mentioning about this particular instance is because this incident changed me as a person. From being a victim, it transformed me into an "Individual." And I want my experience to travel as far as it can with a message that if I could, everyone else CAN. Every time I go back to this memory, it hurts me beyond description. I choose this topic foe the last couple of posts s well because I want every woman out there reading and hearing this to remember that your gender should be a reason for men out there to respect you but not humiliate you. This post will not be about how the male chauvinist pigs tried to put me down or not how about a couple of feminist professionals tried to stand by the men. But it's about me how I stood up against every odd and served their plates in full with their own medicine. 

                                                So as mentioned in the previous post, I did complain to my immediate Supervisor that the Guy was harassing me and I had a meeting with 3 more cowards. I decided it was time I stood up for my own cause. To be honest, I was not thinking about the entire female gender then. I was only thinking about my self respect. Their jaws dropped when I was very specific and clear in my stand. As their career progressed, they must have also mastered the art of acting because if they were shocked at a girl coming up straight and talking quite bold enough, they didn't show it yet. One Manager tried showing his frustration that I never tried being friends with the accused, I cut him short stating my job in the company was not to make friends and not to listen to crap. Another Manager took a leaf from his colleagues' and advised me that my priority should be my parent's health and not these petty issues. Little did he know that I would retort stating that had my parents been there in the meeting room at that moment, the would have told me to fight for my self respect. They tried with all their might to convince me and I too was convinced that you can't talk to a bunch of educated fools. I thanked them for all their advises and walked out more determined than ever. I did not relent. I did make a call and got the details of the Country Wide HR who handles the Sexual Harassment cases. I drafted a mail and sent it across. I mentioned that now it was no more one accused but 3 people along with the main accused trying for an "emotional rape" on a female employee. I clearly mentioned the statements that flew across in the room during the meeting. Within days tables changed. I had meetings with the HR Managers trying to go deeper into the issue. This was an emotional trial. I felt that my wound was never going to heal. I felt it was ME vs the Chauvinist tribe. I was determined that I was neither turning back nor giving up. The main accused denied the whole issue and the rest of the team (read Managers) supported their statements with disclaimers that they had no malice when they suggested "Coffee Date." I was given option of choosing how I wanted to proceed with this complaint that I filed- either opt for compromise or go ahead and take a Legal Team's help. I opted for the latter and none of them ever must have thought in their wildest dreams that I would be aggressive enough that mere mentioning my name would wet their pants. Legal team was involved and witnesses called in along with the accused and his team. It went on for a month and I managed to get them their dues before I walked out of the office. I no more wanted to work with uncivilized but seated in high positions. While leaving, unlike other employees, I didn't send out a "Thank You Manager" mails. I sent out a sarcastic mail advising people not to be quite just because it's not their issue. If it is me today, it might be one of them tomorrow. 

                                                    

                                                  If I only waited for a "Guardian Angel" to inspire me and revive my lost pride, I would have been waiting all my life for it. I rather chose to act when necessary and take things under my control. While leaving, I did leave few people inspired. I left with compliments that they wished they had "Guts" like me to stand up. But I had to correct them that it was not guts that were required but love for self and self respect are more important than anything else. I did my part and when life gives you a chance to stand up for yourself, don't hesitate because you never know whom you are inspiring!!!!!

                                         

What mends a broken heart?

                                                      After reading my previous post, one of my friends asked me the secret of mending broken heart. So, this can be considered a continuation of my previous post. While I was about to pen it down this morning, I woke up to a bad dream. Dreams either good or bad are not new to me. I have had dreams giving glimpses of my future and at times my dreams spoke about my passions and interests. But this particular dream was about humiliation. I dreamt that I was being ridiculed and humiliated. Though I woke up a little upset about the dream, I must admit that in reality I am not an alien to all the humiliation or ridicule. Being born in an affluent family to already highly successful parents didn't help either. Contrast to the popular  notion that I was born with a silver spoon, I had to make my existence felt every walk of my life -every step I had took, I had people surrounded like hounds discouraging me. There were times when I wanted to give up. There were times when I stood up because someone wanted me not to give up. My spiritual background has been looked down upon, my thought process ridiculed and nothing that I did looked potentially good to the people round me. One such incident where in I decided that I have had enough and stood up beyond my limits is what changed my life and people's perspective about me. Fear ran in the spines. And today am fortunate enough to write this in the comfort of my room and a very human room mate always next to me no matter the season or the time the clock strikes.

                                                      2 years back, I joined an Organization (Let's just call it an Organization because it's  not worth than being called anything else) in the city of Bangalore. People were skeptical and always taken back by my sense of independence, May be back home "Woman-is-way-down-than-a-man" concept was the upbringing phenomenon. I was the only girl among a batch of Twenty. While I was busy adjusting myself to the new environment and never before heard concepts of people round me, I noticed that one of the guys on the floor started pointing his middle finger towards me every time I walked past by him. Though little taken aback, I calmed myself thinking he is following the "BPO Culture" where in Middle fingers, F & B's at the computer screen are quite normal. And to add on to that, this guy was my good colleague. But how am I to guess that he was killing himself with jealousy and insecurity? He must have completed a course in acting because he used to hide all this behind his"Cool-got-nothing-to-bother-and-lose" attitude. It took me almost a year to realize that this was a rotten egg.


                                                      The moment I realized that I was being harassed sexually, I walked up to my supervisor. Poor Supervisor, who has been taught that no matter what its a sin to look at another woman the same way you look at your mother and sister, laughed it off. But with my persistence he arranged a meeting with a team of "Highly-Educated-But-Not-So-Civilized" Managers who wanted me to go out for a cup of Coffee with the Rogue who has been harassing me. I am sorry but am no Angel to pray for their Mothers and Sisters for a rather sensible treatment by other men. I religiously believe in Eye-for-an-eye concept. Call it coincidence or my prayers been answered at the same time, I had been fortunate enough to know some one who has an influential presence in the same Organization. I had the chance of meeting the right people to take up this further. Now, this was no more a matter of me being harassed. It was me being considered as a writing on the board- Easy to be erased. I wanted to prove the world that I am not someone who can be easily wept away. My slim figure doesn't equal a frail will.
                                                 
                                                   
                                                     Mails flew to the right people within days and a legal team was roped in. When called for a meeting, it was surprising to see my Supervisor holding the Rogue's hand and comforting him and counselling him. For a moment, I felt if I were the Abuser and he was the Victim. One of my best friends told me that after 18 years, holding the parents for the individual's behavior is wrong. True, I cannot blame 2 mothers and 2 father of 2 different individuals for their appalling behavior. All through the while the investigation was going on, the Rogue was absent from work due to "Some Mysterious Illness." May be his masculine power gave up on him before a Woman's  self respect. My Supervisor however was yet to be contracted with this disease. He had no option but to shrink in his own seat while I started blooming with confidence. Weeks later, I walked away from the Organization with my head held high with the pride that I shook the world under their feet and giving them a taste of their own medicine. I was Happy.

                         
                                                    Wait! Did I say I was happy? Yes I was indeed. Walking away gave me satisfaction that I never experienced before. But what about the pain that I went through the whole time? It was depressing. I could not share it with anyone for the fear of being judged. We are yet to out grow the "The girl must have done something to provoke the guy" theory. Few whom I told, narrated their own experiences and how beneficial it is to remain calm. But I was determined. I was not giving up. I spent sleepless nights thinking what might happen and how secure was I in the work place with a team of Uncivilized men trying to prove the Rogue's innocence. Don't be surprised if I mention that there were couple of women who were trying to support the men. Hell, yes for a man to be successful, a woman needs to be there, no matter what role she plays. With the fear prevailing day after day and the pain of being a victim cut the wound deeper, I had to sustain. There were times when I wanted to kill myself. But I decided against it as I realized that Heaven is a far off place from where I can watch the Rogue suffer. It was me and my Self-Respect against a pack of wolves suffering masculine chauvinism.When I thought I was alone along with my self respect in this battle, there has been my best friend who was with me putting herself in my shoes and reminding me how strong I need to be for what I believed was right. One day may be I get a chance to write about this wonderful human being. Now I was no more alone. I had my best friend to my right and my Self-Respect to me left. What can a couple of Uncivilized Men do to me? I stopped being bothered. I know started enjoying the trouble they were going through to save their jobs and not lose their means of bread and butter. I started making friends at work, never stopped smiling knowing that my smile scared them now even more. I looked at them in their eyes every time we crossed paths for I knew that my eyes had the power of humiliating them. I changed the way I wanted to be perceived. I no more wanted to be a mere survivor. I wanted to be a winner. And I am here today, writing this as a "WINNER."

                                                   But what made me a winner? What was the reason I put up a fight? How could I mend my broken heart? I always wanted to leave a beautiful legacy behind. One day, I want my daughter to grow up like her mother who trades nothing for self-respect and want to appreciate her aunt (My Best Friend) who has been instrumental in taking this issue this far. I don't want my daughter to grow up into another timid human being. I am not going to hide this from my son either. For he needs to know how it is for a woman to be hurt and how to be a man not in anatomical perspective but rather in a human perspective. I want my parents to be proud of their upbringing. And not the least, when I find my soulmate some day, I want him to feel proud that he has married a "Strong woman." This is what made me what I am today - "Strong."

                                                If you are still wondering what might be the secret for mending a broken heart, well its your determination and the way you respect yourself. If your levels of Self-Respect are good enough no matter what levels of Adrenaline your abuser might have, he will wither in front of you. I did it and experienced it. It's your turn whenever life throws a chance at you!!!!

                                                Remember, "Giving up should never be an option."

A secret formula for a broken heart.......

                                           Couple of days back, I posted my recent pics and multiple likes, comments and compliments poured in. Nothing new. But something was surprising. These were the same people who called me "Ugly" couple of years back. It was the same lot who once called me"The Cat-eyed-girl" who now call me "Hazel-eyed-beauty." The very same group who called me "Mother-of-two" now call me "Hot." I didn't change the color of my eyes to match people's expectations. The world evolved to a civilized one. I didn't starve myself to look chic. The world broadened its horizon of thought process. 2 years back, I was looked down as a loser. Today am being called "One of the Successful People." I had minimal interference in people's interpretation of me both then and now. What happened then? What turned things in my favor? Was I OK being harassed and ridiculed every single day? Certainly Not! I am a mere human and I am content in my imperfect perfectionism. I am still the same old young woman who wakes up with a fear not knowing what the day might bring forth. I sleep every  night with a dim thought of "what if it were the last night that I get to breathe?" Not that I want to live hundred years and beyond. I have unfinished business to do. Coming back to what turned the tables, I found a secret formula to mend my heart every time I was hurt. "Be what you are and the world has no option but to open its eyes." 

                                         Let me share an incident  what changed my perceptive towards life. 2 years ago I joined an organization with dreams of hope and prosperity. What resulted was harassment and a foreign treatment. I was not one among them. I was from a different region and of different language. My Team Leader wanted me to go for a cup of coffee with an animal who harassed me. I write animal not because am an anti-animal person. Instead because animals need to be trained to behave. While I chose to handle it with poise and dignity that my parents have taught me, the cattle herd covered the rogue under his wings. Me shaking the world under his feet is a different story. Not just his feet but a lot many others'. Do I feel proud? Certainly not. What I felt then and feel now is the same - Self respect is my heartbeat. I can look at me abusers in their eye and I doubt if they can. How has this changed me as a person? It reminded me of the basics that Olive branch is for Doves and for unruly dogs, its a cane. And I repeat myself I am not an animal hater. I have grown with domestic animals as my pets and to see wild animals around me disturbs me. 

                                        To all out those ready to mock at me or ridicule me, just a heads up "Am more than that meets your eyes and strikes your brains." Being educated doesn't help. Being civilized would certainly take you somewhere...... 

React..But not before you know the truth!

                                         It was a beach wedding and I could see everyone enjoying. Songs, dance and laughter filled the air. My husband came from behind and hugged me tight and asked me,”Honey, are you happy?”  I looked at him and then looked around. I couldn’t have asked for more. This was a marriage that any girl would have dreamt for and above all, this was my marriage. He held me tighter and repeated himself. I kissed him and nodded in approval.  I have known him through the church we have been seeing each other for some time now. My pastor was happy for both of us when we announced our decision to get married and he came with his wife and kids.  It was a joyous moment for both of us and I am sure we were going to cherish it for the rest of our lives. I was still absorbed in my own thoughts thinking of the way I have been blessed.

                                       “Can you come over here for a minute, Mark?” Someone called my husband.  “Yes, of course”. My husband hugged me and kissed me again and whispered, “Will be right back, Honey” and he slipped his mobile in my hands and left. I moved towards a group and sat there talking to them and posing happily for selfies. The phone in my hand rang and I realized that my husband’s phone was with me. It displayed as “Mom” and I picked up the call. For some reason, she was stuck abroad and couldn’t attend the marriage and Mark has promised that we were going to meet her soon after the marriage. I answered the call and a frail but happy voice spoke “Is Mark there? Or has he already left to Europe?” Before I could reply, she continued, “Isn’t it a great achievement?  All his hard work has paid off.  I am very proud of him. He was supposed to meet me but he said that he was going to Europe for a week’s business trip along with his Managing Director. He took up the family’s responsibility after his father passed away……..” She kept on talking but I was already numb with every drop of blood drained from my face.  I walked away trying to register what just happened.  I tried dialing my Contact Number from his phone and it displayed “Managing Director”. It slowly started hitting my brain as what might have just happened. So I was the “Managing Director” with whom he was going on a business trip and our beach wedding was the trip to Europe.   

                                    The world under my feet started trembling and I didn’t know what to do. I started to walk away trying to figure out why it has happened to me. “Honey,” I have been looking everywhere for you”.  Mark came running and hugged me. I gave him his mobile and he looked at me and asked” Are you ok Honey? You are looking pale and worried.”   “I am fine” I said. “Just that I am a little tired. Will you please look after the guests?”  “Sure, sweetheart”. I walked towards the rooms and told him “Your mum called up.” ” Oh! Did she?  We will meet her soon.” I walked away giving no response.

                                       There were two suites which were customized for the bride and the groom and I chose to use other normal room. I sat there on the bed crying my lungs out trying to understand how I have ruined my life. Why did I not ask him to take me to his mother? Why did I trust him blindly? Why did he save my name as “Managing Director? Was he already married? What is left of my life now? I don’t remember how long I sat there lost in thoughts. Someone knocked the door and I forced myself to open the door. Invasion of privacy is what I wanted least at this time. It was my Pastor’s wife. “Were you not supposed to be sharing the room with Mark?” She asked looking surprised. It’s quite late and you haven’t gone to your room yet? I mumbled something which I myself couldn’t hear and looked around. It was dark and I realized that I was there quite for some time. I had to escape from there before she had any questions for me and then started slowly moving towards the suite. I didn’t know how to face him for the fear of anger and hurt that I was cheated on. I walked into the room and saw Mark sleeping there. Not willing to disturb his sleep and certainly not being interested in a conversation, I slowly closed the door behind me and turned off the light and was walking towards the other corner of the bed. All of a sudden Mark sprang from the bed and grabbed me by his hand and pulled me closer towards him asking where I was the whole time. I tried freeing myself from his arms and he was muscular and I stood no chance. I told him that I overslept. I wanted to confront him. I couldn’t control my tears and as they ran down my cheeks, Mark was genuinely worried. “Hey Honey!” I was just worried when I didn’t see you. I am sorry if I shouldn’t have asked you that.” 

                    “I want to know why you cheated me. “ I asked him between sobs. “Cheating you? “What are you talking? Don’t you know how much I love you?” I could make out from his voice that he was hurt. I told him the conversation that I had with his mother earlier in the afternoon. I wanted an explanation as why he ruined my life. He looked at me carefully and still holding me tight to his arms, he took his phone and dialed a number. There was a voice from the other end and Mark spoke gently. “Mrs. Elizabeth, I know this is an off time but can I meet my mother now? It’s really important that I see her”. There was silence and after a minute, Mark said “Thank you. We will be there in half an hour”. He was in his pajamas and I was yet to change my bridal gown. Mark held me by his hand tight and closed the doors behind us and called the driver. He instructed the driver to drive to a place. I was wondering where we were going at this hour but was satisfied that we were finally going to meet his mother.

                      After 20 minutes, the car stopped in front of a building and the board read “Good Samaritan Rehabilitation Center.”  Mark was still holding my hand in his’ though there was silence. I had enough surprises since morning and had no energy for whatsoever. I just wanted the day to end.  After the security guard announce our arrival and upon approval to let us in, he opened the gate and directed the driver. Mark signaled the driver to stop in front of the Office Room and a lady came out. “Thank you Mrs. Elizabeth. And meet my wife.  It was kind of you to allow us to see her in such a short notice.” The lady in a soft tone replied- “I heard an anxiety in your tone and guessed it might be necessary that you should meet her”. We walked through and I couldn’t help but notice the rooms. The rooms were good enough to accommodate two beds and a study table.  After few minutes, Mrs. Elizabeth knocked a door and someone opened it. “Mum!” Mark went and hugged her and the lady slipped into his arms and was beaming with joy. I was even more confused. But wasn’t Mark’s mum supposed to be abroad and weren’t we supposed to be meeting her there? Both of them were lost in a conversation. I slowly skipped and sat on the bench in the lawn. I could hear her enquiring him about Mark’s Europe trip. Mrs. Elizabeth followed me.

                     “When Nathan passed away in that accident, we were worried about his mother’s condition as she was already schizophrenic. But Mark was continuously by her side taking care of her like her own son. For Mark, she was the mother whom he never had. And, Mrs. Kinsley started recovering and hopefully she will be discharged in a month or two. I am glad that Mark has found his partner in you. He keeps telling how affectionate you are.” I remember Mark narrating an incident involving his childhood friend Nathan who passed away in a fatal accident and how that left his mother shattered. His mother had always dreamt of Nathan making it big in life and couldn’t come to terms of her son’s sudden demise. Her only hope was Mark whom she was very attached to and wanted his time and presence around her. She had pinned all her hopes on Mark and his career.

                   Slowly everything fell in place. Mark was waiting for Mrs. Kinsley to recover to bring her home and then reveal our marriage. He felt it was his responsibility to take care of her. He didn’t want her to be upset about his long absence and hence the “Europe trip” story and my name as “Managing Director” were to convince her that whenever he was on a call, she wouldn’t be upset. Mrs. Kinsley was emotionally attached to Mark and Mrs. Elizabeth decided  that marriage was not the right topic to be disclosed to her keeping in mind her recovery phase. I ran back to the room and whispered in his ears, “I am sorry. I should have waited for you to tell me”. He smiled and I instantly knew I was lucky. Mark made her sit in a chair while he sat on the bed and signaled me to sit next to him. Mrs. Kinsley looked at me asked, “I am sorry but what did you tell your name was?”  I winked at Mark and replied “His Managing Director”.

                     

               

                                       

In search of happiness in a far off land....

                                           Its been almost 2 years that I have written any thing in this blog. There were many incidents that happened during this span of time. Some touched my heart beyond expressions while some left me dazzled. Few incidents left clearly moist in my tears while some remain fresh in my memory like as if they happened like a minute back.

                                           I have been an ardent fan of life and it's surprises. And that's one of the reasons, I set off to a far away land..A land quite far away from where I was born and raised..A place where I have earned my bread and butter... To a place where I am an alien in the  cattle. Family and friends are a space away. Emotions don't really take the front seat as every ear is out of my reach.

                                           Well, the sad part aside, I am still trying to overcome the nostalgia that I am demonstrating Charles Darwin's theory - "Survival of the Fittest". No matter where you start your journey from or no matter where you end it, life is full of surprises.

                                           The mornings might sound dull and cloudy and the nights might seem endless. People might just show their backs when not anticipated and people whom you have trusted might have actually been following Brutus.You might be wondering the reason why you should be getting out of bed while the truth is that the night has been another sleepless night. You  might have no answer for every challenge that you come across. You might feel lost amid a crowd and feel suffocated when alone. No answers for happenings of the past nor any thoughts for the future. You may actually start searching for the country that Tagore famously prayed God in his famous book "Gitanjali".

                                          You may feel excited at a turn or may feel disappointed as you may feel the road bumpy. Monotonous may be a frequent term that strikes your mind and you might feel that the road you are on is a never ending traumatic journey. But remember that no road is forever and so is not every phase of life.

Fight until you can inhale.....

                                 I was in front of the mirror and  getting ready and was in my own world. All this while, I have been thinking about the fact that I haven’t written in my blog for a while now.  I was looking for an inspiration. As I was lost with these thoughts, I guess I saw a little girl as an image. Apparently a much younger me. My mum said that I earned my first income when I was just 2 yrs. old. She always narrated this incident. My mother being a lecturer, I kind of played with books and pens more than toys. One such day, she found me scribbling something on a piece of paper. She wrote “A” on the same paper and gave it to me. It seems that I wrote “A” back and gave it to her. For me, I was mimicking my mother but for her, I started to learn. Later in the evening, when my father returned home, my mother told him the entire incident, and the proud father gave me a Rs.100/- note. I earned it for showcasing my talent without ever knowing that. My mother treasures this incident and always reminds me that I am born with a talent to grasp things instantly and she always had greater plans for me. She never settled for anything less.  I met her expectations being an all-rounder in the school and a star debater. Once I completed my schooling, she told me that she has a dream. She dreamt that she saw me wearing an apron and steth round my neck walking in a hospital. I joined Physiotherapy and became a Physiotherapist, second in my hometown. My sister followed me. I had to enter the real world and until then I was under her guidance. All of a sudden, she decided to let me fly to check the strength of my wings. Neither my mum nor I wanted to take any mortal help for my career.  I then realized that the world isn’t as green as the way it has been painted. I could hear the mocking amongst my relatives but yes,  I did secure a job within a month of my graduation. I was Dr. Priyaanka Sarkar now. Time flew by and then I shifted my career to a different field. From dealing with bones, I moved to the field of numbers. I faired amazingly well there. Until few months back, I should say that I carved a niche for myself in an unknown place. One day as I was about to get ready to office, I felt an inconvenient pain in my stomach. Crediting the pain to the insipid food that I had last night, I ignored the pain and rushed to work. Few hours later, I felt the same pain but it was gone after a while. The pain  reminded me of its existence occasionally but I was too occupied to give it an attention. My cousin was getting married and he was generous enough to allow me to be the bridesmaid. All excited, I went home and that was the last time I ever saw the place I have been for years under the name of a career.  On the day of betrothal, a cousin who saw me after a long time, hugged me. All of a sudden, she withdrew herself and asked me if I were down with fever. I said no. I credited this to the weather outside. That night I could feel weak and by the next morning I was down with fever. I somehow managed all through the wedding and the next day rushed to a hospital. What followed was a nightmare. I was declared anemic and all my blood was drained to diagnose the root cause.  The stomach pain was more frequent now and there wasn’t an hour that I was free of pain. After being treated for an unknown condition that caused me the pain, I realized that it has been almost 3 months that I have been on the bed. I knew it was going to take a little longer for the docs to declare me normal. I quit my job and lay on my bed staring at the calendar as when I can start searching for a new job. Months passed by and I was still staring at the calendar. I have been always in love with my career and couldn’t imagine myself being idle. I decide that I could utilize this time to start from basics – physiotherapy. I wanted to set up a clinic in my hometown and treat the natives. I was born and brought up here and wanted to give back something to the place. I imagined it to be cake walk.

                          I was mistaken.  Rejection came from an unexpected area – my father. He was fine with me treating people but didn’t want me to display any sort of board that would indicate that I am running a clinic. He felt that it would embarrass him if I had a board in front of the house or I had any pamphlets being distributed. I argued that until I had a board no one would ever know that there is a Doc inside. He was even against me getting my visiting cards printed. Once again, I was staring this time into darkness. My mother  and I tried to reason but in vain. I was depressed. I was heart broken. I started feeling insecure and I was confining myself to my room. I knew that my career wasn’t going anywhere and all my dreams are in drain. Nothing could help  me get back to my normal self. In a matter of months, from a employee I became a no one. I lost hope. I could often feel the warmth of my tears on my cheeks and then could hear my sobs. I wanted to die. I couldn’t take all this.  I alone knew the pain I had taken to be what I was until yesterday. I wanted to be second to none. I wanted to be alone for a while and was getting ready to go for a walk. I was in front of the mirror and then saw a younger me.

                            I reminded myself how I earned at the age of 2. I realized that if I was born with a talent, am going to live with it until my grave. Am a quick learner and all I need to do is swim my way out to the shore to feel the warmth of my dreams. Easier said than done. I am still trying to convince my father and while he still seems unfazed by my pain, I am not giving up. While I write this, I am confident that I am going to write a sequel to this incident which would end on a happier note. After all, when life draws its curtains on us, we ought to make sure that its a decent one.

                         For all those who are facing a rejection, don’t give up… Fight until you can inhale……

Life has its share of unpleasant surprises.....

“Honey, I’d be just a call away if you need me”. He said.  “Are we friends”? the lady asked. He could feel the moist of his tears running down his cheeks while he answered “Yes”.

She says with a smile. “I’m in love”.

“That’s great to hear and who is the lucky one”?

“That man who is sitting in the corner”.

All that Richards could do was give a smile. He has been visiting the care center ever since he admitted his wife years after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. At first he was reluctant to let her go to a care center. But her condition deteriorated so much that she almost killed him once mistaking Richards for an intruder. Adele was her name. Richards had to constantly remind her that he was her husband and the attempts bore no fruit. Adele had no memories left from her past thanks to her degenerating medical condition. The man sitting in the corner slowly walked up to her and both of them started talking to each other oblivious of Richard’s presence. Richards left with a heavy heart. The next day Richards arrives at the care center with a bouquet of Adele’s favorite flowers hoping that it might help his wife recollect him. He knocks her door and there is no response. Richards gently pushes the door open to see his wife making out with the man whom he saw talking to Adele the previous day. Adele shouts in shock asking Richards how can he enter a stranger’s room without their permission and interrupt their privacy. Richards is too shocked at the sight and confronts the Head of the center how could they allow an outsider to take advantage of his wife’s medical condition. He threatens to sue them. The Chief replies, “Sir, the man whom you have seen is not an outsider but is a patient by name Allen like your wife. He is in more advanced stage of Alzheimer’s than your wife”. Richards has no words left to answer. He leaves the place. He recollects his happier days with his wife and the times he has broken his vows. He wanted to hold her hand through her last days and now it seems to be difficult as Adele considers Allen as her husband and plans to marry him as both of them are oblivious of their medical condition and its prognosis.

I was thinking what could have been running in Richards’s mind.  His wife, his partner for decades now has forgotten him. It must have been very painful for him to bear what he has seen. That’s the truth he has to live the rest of his life with.  For me, I would be dead by then.

Life is such that it throws unpleasant surprises at you. You must have dreamt of something all your life but just at the moment you think everything is perfect and you are right there, life throws some unpleasant circumstance at you shaking the ground beneath your feet. It’s up to you whether you want to be carried away by the storm or set your feet right on your dream and breathe hope in it.

If life was like a dress rehearsal.........

                                   For some time now, I haven’t been keeping well. All the medical tests ruled out any major illness but I am yet to recover. And what disappoints me is the fact that am stuck on my bed in my room taking pills and counting hours and days. I am rearing to go back to my old life where mornings meant walking across the street for tea with a friend, afternoons for siesta time, evenings for work and nights were meant to enjoying the corporate culture in the office. Never once did I bother to check why my  clothes were becoming loose on me nor did I bother to wonder why I was feeling weak quite often. I now regret being careless. Now mornings are to wake up and notice where I feel painful in my body, thank God for letting me pass the night’s turmoil, begin the day’s battle with a series of pills, afternoons are for calorie filled lunch and evenings are for hospital visits. By the time, I am done with everything, I realize that the stars are shining bright in the sky telling me that its time for pills again and time to sleep. Meanwhile, whenever I can open my laptop, I apply for jobs keeping my fingers crossed. Luck is yet to knock my door and hope its not too far away. 

                               This still life has taught me many things and has given me to retrospect my past and relations that I’ve shared with people. I call myself romantically dead and so me sharing any of my experiences in that field would be impossible. But I can let you read one of my very good friend’s life journey. She has been my roomie until she was married. Both of us were doctors the only difference being she was the practicing one while I was the non practicing one. I have seen her dedication towards her work and slogging days together on her cases in the hospital. She maintained a healthy relation with the patient’s aides and was always there to counsel them. Back home she was a careless young woman who wasn’t really bothered about how often she changed her bed sheets or where there were enough supplies in the room to last us for a month. She completely trusted me and left everything under my control. As I was working at nights, I used to take care of things and made sure that she had to worry about nothing but wash her hair and get ready to work and rush off. We were quite attached to each other and we had no secrets within us. If she was hurt, I was mad and if I had tears in my eyes she was awake the whole night keeping an eye on me. I have been to her place and mutual likings took place immediately. Life never comes so simple and I realized that she was in love with her classmate who always ignored her feelings towards him. She was quite upset about this as her parents were searching for a suitable guy for her. We spent sleepless nights as the guy wasn’t reciprocating to  her feelings and her parents almost fixed a match. Engagement was just days away. She couldn’t gather enough courage to tell her parents that she wasn’t ready for marriage with a stranger thanks to her conservative upbringing. I tried convincing her that I would talk to her parents as they treat me like their own. She stopped me and the guy whom she cared for was like a stone that was never carved. Senseless and heartless. Time flew as if we were travelling in a time machine and all of a sudden we realized that the next day was the wedding. I have to confess that I prayed fervently that the marriage shouldn’t happen. Contrary to my prayers, the marriage has happened and she moved on in life with her partner.                               

                            She moved in to her husband’s house and I gave her the space as I knew that she was new bride until all of a sudden I received a call from one of our common friends. To my utter shock, I heard that she has attempted suicide and behold, she was 2 months old in the wed lock. I was at home far away from the city and had to rush back to the city. Her husband barred her meeting anyone and she wasn’t allowed to take any calls or any messages. All I knew was that she was working in a differed clinic now for a lesser amount thanks to the never cribbing husband who gets paid lesser than my friend. I somehow traced the place where she was working and stepped in to see her losing half her weight and looking much older. I could make out the intensity with which she must have been troubled. There was a long silence between us as we had to gather ourselves to talk and face it. I let her cry and she told me about her monstrous husband. Not to go much into the details of what has happened, she now regrets that she didn’t tell her parents that she wasn’t ready for a marriage with this guy. Being a citizen of a conservative nation, she has decided to live her live with the beast and hopes that her prayers might turn him to a human being. . I often remember her and offer a small prayer for her happiness. I talk to her enquiring her about her well being. But I could never gather enough courage to go and meet her and see what she was going through.

                                 “ If life was like a dress rehearsal and we had time for do-overs”….Excerpts from Grey’s Anatomy. How true!! Unfortunately life is a one time performance in which we need to excel every second to survive and not let others over take us. In the process we ought to make sure that we dream right and breathe in our dreams right. Every step we move and every decision we take in life needs to be picture perfect and result perfect lest it ruins a life time chance. 

Born for bigger things.........

     I have written my experiences and excerpts from my conversations with people round me. This time I want to share my personal experience. I have had this in my dreams few days back. I have been trying to pen this down for a while and unfortunately there have been many obstacles like never before. This time I’ve decided that rain or shine, I’ll pen this down.

                      In my dream, I was in a church with my mother sitting next to me and another girl in her jeans to my other side. I haven’t spoken a word to her all the while she was sitting next to me. The Father called out a name for a special song and the girl next to me rose from her seat and sang a song while playing the flute. After that, the girl started to speak. Ideally, she was giving a testimony. In her own words-“ I was going abroad for further studies and I secured a seat in one of the best colleges there I had to find a job to fund my expenses and one of our acquaintances introduced me to someone from that place, who is a resident and he assured me that he would help me secure a job once I landed there. All said and done, my family and I were relieved that I would even get a job in the foreign land. After landing, I was waiting for the man to show up so that he could show me the job. The day he was supposed to meet me, I was staring at the sky and along with me were few more people. The first plane that landed, didn’t bring in the man I was supposed to meet. I was still staring at the sky and the next plane too didn’t bring him. That’s when I realized that the man promised few others like me to help them secure jobs and all of them were waiting for him just like me. The man never turned up ever after”. 

                   I was wondering why the girl was thanking God if the man dumped her in a foreign land. She continued, “It was God’s never ending support that helped me survive there with a decent job and He helped me finish my studies and return to my mother land safe. And I could clearly see the girl happy that she is back safe. All of a sudden, in my dreams, I was reminded of the Bible verse that I read the day before. “If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? 

                   I shared this with  many people wondering the meaning of this dream. No one could give me a satisfactory interpretation. I was upset cos this was a different dream than I had before and no one could interpret it for me. My mum was watching me all the while me running from pillar to post for an interpretation. She called me in the evening and she asked me to repeat my dream. I repeated myself. She listened patiently.She interpreted it for me. In her own words. “ You are running after something while God has something bigger in store for you. And you will thank God for what He has given you. His plans for you are bigger than your dreams for yourself. “ Beautifully true….

                   At times in life we aim for something where in we are destined for bigger things. Not realizing life’s destination is a bigger mistake than not realizing our dreams.

Capitalize on your loss.......

                                          Last night I was watching the semi finals of French Open between Djokovic and Nadal. Born in a cricket crazy country, I take pride in being fascinated towards tennis. I love this sport for the way it carries itself. My all time favorite player remains Pete Sampras and after his retirement, I started watching Roddick and Nadal play it with elegance and poise. I became Agassi’s fan after reading his book “Open”. I also admired Monica Seles for the way she came back to the game even after she was stabbed during a match between her and Steffi Graf. Now, I love watching Serena Williams win every match and admire her comeback after a life threatening lung condition. Back home, I am an ardent fan of Leander Paes for his passion towards the game. No offense but he is a relief amongst those players who run even after cents leaving the nation disgraced. I actually congratulate myself for never being fascinated towards cricket lest today I would be cursing the tainted players for wasting my time watching them tuck their towels and signal the bookies. The thought of many hidden names coming to limelight sickens me.

                                         Back to the match that I had watched yesterday, I previously watched a match between Djokovic and Nadal which went on for more than 5hrs. The game was more about mental strength than physical stamina. I was in the gym working out and everyone with me in the gym stopped working out and were glued to the match. Djokovic won the match finally and the match is famous even now for its long rallies between the 2 players. I remember that match very well though it has happened almost 2 yrs. back. This time too, I wanted to watch the match between the 2 great players of this generation. I consider Nadal and Serena as the Title favorites keeping in mind their ferocious come back. Yesterday’s match went on for 4 and 1/2 hours. By the time I started watching the match, Nadal and Djokovic won a set each. Nadal went on to win the 3^rd set and was serving for the match as the 4^th one began, Djokovic was under pressure as the crowd went on to chat Nadal’s name. He was losing the shots at the line. As I started to feel sorry for Djokovic, he took me by surprise by winning that set and the next one too. Both of them won 2 sets each and the last one was the crucial one for both the players and Djokovic was leading by playing strong forehands and long rallies. Nadal was visibly exhausted. I was excited watching the match. Amidst audience support Nadal went on to win the match. Not to mention, Nadal was playing to win his 8^th French Open title, highest by any player. He was just a step closer to realize his dream.

                                      While Nadal was celebrating his success by throwing away his wristbands towards his fans, I caught Djokovic packing his belongings in silence and leave the stadium after waving at the crowd for their support. He was visibly upset at his loss after coming too near to win the match. He must have practiced very hard to win the title but unfortunately he fell a step before. My heart went out for him. But what impressed me was that his eyes spoke more than his actions. He had that determination sealed in his heart that showed up in his eyes. He isn’t the one who would easily give up on his dreams. Hoping that he cracks the next title, all it struck me was that each one of us at some point in our lives must have been so close to achieve something but must have missed it in the last moment. But all we need to remember that amid of difficulty comes an opportunity and only the ones who are passionate about their dreams capitalize it.

Smack the system and give your dreams a new reason......

                                I am angry beyond words and expressions. I, being a citizen of this country have been royally ripped off my basic right to book a train ticket thanks to the sick reservation system. I have been in front of my computer for the past 1 hr trying to book a train ticket for my father under Tatkal which hides available seats if I want to book tickets in prior. My father had to travel on an urgent basis and hence the struggle. I tried for an hour only to read the red flashing message "Regret Waiting List". My anger grew no bounds. When I logged in for the first time, it showed there was availability in abundance and within an hour it regrets for the waiting list. It rises questions regarding the efficiency of the one for whom I voted standing in the queue in the hot sun after carefully listening to one's promises. I pay my taxes and bills on time for the fear of my facilities being cut. Just a second. Facilities? What facilities am I talking about? I go to a restaurant to give my mum a day off from her kitchen and the govt charges me and names it VAT.I buy a car and want to go for a long drive and the govt. charges me the toll gate fare. I want to switch on my fan after I come from a hectic day at work, and the govt. sacrifices my power to the white shirt clad politicians as they have to watch porn in the Assembly. Not just that, I end up paying the electricity bill. I grew up learning that 70% of the planet is filled with water. I end up finding bacteria in my mineral water. Isn't time we change the pledge and rewrite it as "I am proud of its rich heritage but ashamed at the way it's being plundered". How I wish The British still ruled over us. We could have fared far better than what we are now. A school teacher who has to   educate the future generation has to retire by 58 but the old nags have no retirement to eat the Nations's wealth. An effortless job where in one needn't prepare a resume and give interviews. All one needs to do is sit and eat other's prosperity. And last but not the least, my very own existence might be at stake if I use my constitutional right. I am supposed to bear this in silence and still praise my country and its varied corruption and never ending injustice to a common man.

                             This is for all the aspirants who are appearing for the administrative exams. I don't want you to feel what I feel now. Rather use your pen and soul for tomorrow's exam and show the nation and its leaders what you can do for your future generations. If its me today, remember it can be anyone of you tomorrow or in the very next hour. Its your country and don't let its future rot in the hands of illiterate selfish old nags. Take things under your control. Show the world that you are the one who can bring changes for a better future. Dream big and administrate bigger. Prove the reason for your existence on this planet. Let not your journey from the cradle to the grave be just another one....Good luck!!!